£3 billion or £5 billion to be made available to build 25,000 houses by 2020:
“OK Hammond is giving us £3 billion to build 25,000 homes by 2020 – that’s £120,000 per unit, right? So, you know that site we’ve had our eye on in the Home Counties, that we were going to put the £350,000 houses on – let’s just go right ahead and charge £475,000 and claim the subsidy. Right. That’s a £120,000 extra profit for each house. Phil – that looks like a nice little earner for us, can you get Damien to buy them all with those Panama shell companies he set up for us? Sweet!”
Hammond wants to “emphasise” brownfield sites:
“Phil I found a rotten brownfield site – it’s absolute rubbish – literally, built on an old landfill site the council is offering us for £1 – I know, I know – old Bill came up trumps, well worth that deal we did for his daughter. What do you think about slapping up a few ticky-tackies at about £50,000 a pop, claiming the brownfield subsidy of £120,000 each and flogging ’em off fast at a bargain price of, oh, let’s say £250,000? In, out, bosh, bosh, a donation to the party and bob’s my knighthood. Get on to it Phil – and keep a couple back, I hear Bill has a couple of other kids he needs to set up”.
Hammond has also suggested developing derelict shopping centres for housing:
“Now, about Middletown Shopping Centre. Yes, I KNOW it’s fully let, yes I KNOW it’s popular, yes, I KNOW there’s a waiting list for vacancies, yes, I KNOW it’s been a nice little earner for us over the years. But that new Hammond idea is the way to go. So, Damien – cut down the maintenance to bare bones, bung up the bogs and start telling the papers about the terrible drug problems there. Yes, I KNOW there isn’t a drug problem – it’s your job to make sure there is, Damien. … Now how many units can we cram in there with a £120,000 each subsidy. Yes, I KNOW they will have to go 5 miles to shop, but that isn’t my problem. (Starts to sing): “We’re in the money, we’re in the money…”