Don’t kill your granny, that’s our job – Health Secretary makes plea to youth

INTO THE MOUNTAINS WITH YOU : THE HEALTH SECRETARY of an industrialised nation currently mismanaging Covid-19 has made a plea for assistance from the nation’s young. 

“Some would think we’re still pursuing herd immunity as our strategy with Covid-19,” he began, “but just at a slower, more political manageable pace. Rather than the mass pit burial velocity we had to pull back from before the summer. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your leaders are famous for adjusting their positions based on public opposition. We U turn all the time. You can trust us to U turn on you. And you can trust me when I say that, because I’m from your government.”

So far, so good.

“And don’t listen to any unpatriotic types who suggest that urging everyone back into offices, after reopening pubs, at the same time as refilling schools is not a sensible public health strategy. Teenagers, and drunks are famous for their self control and adherence to rules. Drunk teenagers especially! It’ll not be our fault if they catch Covid. It’s just nature taking its course.”

All perfectly sensible.

“But there is one area where I need the youth of this nation to help me out. It’s not just wearing face masks while shoplifting, or whatever past time you scallywags get up to these days, that I need your help with.”

Alright. Get on with it.

“It’s with your grandparents. You maybe aware we have a social care crisis in this country. For too long governments pursued a shortsighted agenda of helping people live longer. Long past their ability to work in the gig economy. This is a now a serious problem. Of course the funds that could be spent solving it are currently in tax havens. That is where money belongs. So what to do about all these old people hanging about the place, and between you and me, not doing much that’s useful except grandparenting?”

What indeed. Someone has to give them Covid?

“You don’t want giving them Covid that on your conscience. So let it happen as a result of other people crisscrossing the UK in search of Covid tests. World beating navigation will see us through. And if you really want to help out, take a drive to Barnard Castle and sneeze. We’re taking the right steps, at the right time. This is why you need to protect your grandparents so a rogue algorithm can take care of them, just like it did for A level tests.”

Don’t kill your granny. That’s the government’s job.