Boris produces bubbles of nonsense when quizzed about Carrie

At PMQs on Wednesday

John Crace (Extract)

….First though, was a question from Labour’s Chris Elmore. Could Johnson confirm or deny whether he has ever tried to blag a job in government or the royal household for his girlfriend – now wife – Carrie Johnson? Bubbles of nonsense dribbled from the Convict’s mouth. What he had done is find lots of other people a job. Which must be why so many people are out of work. But no outright denial. Everyone was just amazed that he hadn’t lied.

So we can take that as a yes, then. After all, Johnson’s only interest in institutions and their safeguards is in how they can be twisted and corrupted to his ends. What is the point of going to all that trouble to become foreign secretary or prime minister if you’re not going to try to use your influence to find your lover a job?

Hell, he’d bought off his own brother with a peerage. He’d given Evgeny Lebedev a peerage. Even Evgeny’s friends have yet to work out if he exists in three dimensions. Mostly he resembles a bearded cardboard cutout. A billionaire without quality. And it’s rumoured he plans to elevate Paul Dacre to the Lords. So finding his latest lover a cushy number was a complete no-brainer. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be paid £100k for doing next to nothing in the Foreign Office if the only other job on offer was as a £10k cleaner in a care home?

With the Convict visibly rattled, Starmer pounced. The Tory candidate in the Wakefield byelection had been put to a vote of no confidence by his own party. Did that ring any bells? Maybe Johnson should consider himself as something of a trendsetter. Buy one, get one free. Maybe there was a run on useless people standing for office in the Conservatives. And was there a reason Boris hadn’t actually bothered to visit Wakefield? Had he decided that two crap people nobody wants, standing next to each other, wasn’t the best of looks?

“Pifflepafflewifflewaffle.” Johnson splurged, his face turning crimson with the exertion of trying to speak in intelligible sentences. “But what about the rail strikes?” Ah, glad you’ve mentioned them, said Starmer. He might have gone media-shy the previous day but he was now all ready for a conversation.

What on earth had the Convict and Grant Shapps been doing with themselves for the past few months? Had the transport secretary got stuck on holiday in Málaga again? Only two years ago he had had to cancel his hols before they had started as he hadn’t realised the government’s own health regulations had changed. How stupid do you need to be to become a cabinet minister these days?

Still Johnson and Shapps had both turned up at a Tory fundraiser at the V&A this week, where Johnson had found some sucker willing to pay £120k for dinner with him, Theresa May and David Cameron. Most sane rich people would pay more than that to get out of a dinner with that cast list. At least then you could escape without Boris trying to shag you. Presumably there were no takers for a day of Create Your Own Ponzi Scheme with Michael Green…….