It’s Sunday and a hard-working MP is talking to his wife …


It’s Sunday at B’stard Towers, the second home of Sebastian B’stard MP (younger brother of Alan B’stard). Seb and his beautiful, willowy, blonde wife Suki are sipping their Lapsang Suchong tea from antique china cups:

Seb: Oh, by the way darling, I’m booked on a fact-finding visit to the Seychelles next week for 10 days. You are down as my PA, of course.

Suki: Oh, lovely, darling, I’ll put it in the diary. I’ll nip out to Harrods tomorrow and get us some new designer swimwear to put on expenses.

Seb: Oh, and when we get back I’ve got to go to some god-forsaken part of the country on something called a battlebus to do something or other … and they’ve booked me into something called a Premier Inn …

Suki: Oh, darling – no, no, no – we can’t have that – that’s cattle class! I’ll call cousin Horace and we can stay at Twattings Castle for a few days.

Seb: Thank you, darling. What would I do without you. I think that deserves a jolly good raise for you, you work SO hard for me!

Suki: Oh, and by the way, can you get Janet from the office to come and babysit the kids at the weekends whilst Nanny has a break. God knows you pay her enough – £15,000 in London is a bloody fortune for her so we might as well get our money’s worth.