Winchester College: An urgent appeal

DEAR parents and alumni, 1st December 2022

The socialist Keir Starmer has put pressure on the prime minister to withdraw the charitable status enjoyed by us here at Winchester College, the £46,000 per year fee-paying school attended by Mr Sunak himself. 

For the sake of humanity, this cannot be allowed to happen.

As winter draws in, we at Winchester are forced to send an unseemly plea for money to stave off the destitution that would surely follow if Starmer’s cruel, jealous measures were brought into place.

So what difference can you make?

Just £5 would get you a derisive chortle from our staff. £5? You might as well give us five pence, you ridiculous peasant.

£5,000 would go some way toward helping our rifle club, which is crying out for a new annex. And if the proletarian mob were ever to start a revolution, I’m sure we’d all be grateful for those shooting skills.

£10,000 would help provide glass protection for our extensive art collection in case class war anarchists from Just Stop Oil attempt to destroy civilised society by throwing paint at them.

£20,000 would be enough to provide a lifetime’s supply of enamel paint for our rowing boats and a straw boater for every pupil. These may not appear strictly necessary, but not wearing one would be terribly bad form.

So help Winchester maintain the facilities that have enabled us to produce tomorrow’s Conservative MPs. MPs with the talent and unwarranted self-confidence to line their own pockets and tank the economy faster than anyone thought possible. Please give generously.